


shh, it'll be our little secret

by colferstilinski



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Bad as hell manips that should never see the light of day, Banter, Friendship, Future Fic, Humor, I'll add in more tags in future but these are good for now, M/M, Slow Build, Texting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-12-19
Updated: 2013-02-06
Packaged: 2017-11-21 12:51:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/597965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/colferstilinski/pseuds/colferstilinski
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Derek is gifted a new phone from his pack and yeah, he kind of wishes he never accepted it.</p><p>Or the one where Stiles, mad thumbs Stilinski (that's what everyone calls me, no I'm being serious man, really I'm not pulling your leg, everyone does call me that!), annoys the shit out of Derek with bad comebacks and poorly photographed pictures of himself. Sometimes in the nude. Okay, that comes way later, but still.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My first contribution to this fandom which is /heavily/ inspired by Little Numbers (those of you in the Glee fandom, I'm sure you know what I'm talking about), without the whole them being strangers she-bang. Yeah, someone just needs to confiscate Stiles' phone away before he gets someone really hurt.
> 
> P/s: I do really bad manips in this story so, yeah, that's a warning for you.

_27 th November 2011, Sunday_

(21:52)  
 _Stiles?_

(21:55)  
Yes? That would be my name, good sir. Or, ma’am. You know, no hating, or judging.

(22:00)  
 _It’s Derek._

(22:04)  
Ah, so you have discovered the wonder miracles of texting on that phone on yours. Big snaps for you, dude. So, what’s up? You summoned thee stiles almighty, all ready at your disposal.

(22:08)  
Off the record, I totally just saluted my phone, by the way. It’s like a form of recognition being used in the military (I think), in regards to your superiors.

(22:09)  
Not that you’re of any rank superior than me! Psh. Of course not. Even though you’re the alpha. Nope.

(22:11)  
You’re just tall, and scary looking (it’s those eyebrows man, I keep telling you). Whatever, puberty hasn’t been all that great for this stilinski man, but just you wait. My growth spurt shall come. Just you wait!

(22:21)  
 _You little shit, stop mass texting me. How do I work this phone out? It only has one button._

(22:25)  
Two words for you, big guy. Touch screen. Or is it one word? Eh. Tomayto, tomahto. But get used to it! It’s the now ages of technology which hey, look at that, it’s also from this decade! Unlike your previous phone. It’s probably from the goddamn renaissance period or something.

(22:28)  
Let it be known that I wish death on that phone from now until forevermore. Amen.

(22:36)  
 _There’s also only one number in it? It’s yours._

(22:40)  
 _Also, phones weren’t invented back then. I thought you were the smart one?_

(22:42)  
Ha-ha-ha. Brawn’s got brain and the funny. Never saw that one coming. Oh my god, technology has changed you, man. I demand a refund! I preferred the Mr. tough and oh-so-broody sociopath, damn it.

(22:44)  
Ask Erica. She’s the one who did up the contact list. Maybe she fucked it up.

(22:57)  
 _How are you a pain in the ass even through a phone? Whatever. Just give me the manual tomorrow. 1pm, front gate of your school._

(23:58)  
Talent.

(22:59)  
And, er, I don’t have the manual?

(23:12)  
 _Don’t be late._

(23:14)  
But I really don’t have the manual! Derek, dude, c’mon!

(23:50)  
Asshole.

-

_28 th November 2011, Monday_

(13:04)  
 _Where are you?_

(13:10)  
Shh. I’m in class. It’s quiet time now, so, *shh*.

(13:12)  
Stiles.

(13:19)  
I told you yesterday! I don’t have the manual, geez. Ask one of your little wolfy brethrens man. I can’t produce out a magical manual out from my ass, because if I could, oh--- let me tell you. I’d be a rich manual shitting teenager with not a care to your little problems.

(13:21)  
“Yeah, fuck werewolves man. I crap out books! I am the legit poop. Take a big damn whiff at eau de funk.”

(13:25)  
 _Incorrigible._

(13:45)  
Fuck you too.

-

_2 nd Decemeber 2011, Friday_

(16:48)  
I think I’m being punished. By my dad. Help? Or send help?

(16:54)  
Dude. I am in desperate need of said rescue. Save me. There’s a bro-code for this, man.

(16:58)  
Scott has an excuse because he’s out getting some, but c’mon! Derek! I have sunk to *that* level where I am playing the man version portrayal of a damsel in distress. This face here? Distress.

(16:58)  


(17:00)  
I don’t think I’m coming out of this in one piece. Fuck, there are balls everywhere!

(17:03)  
Dude, are you taking a shit?

(17:10)  
Money shot! I just got money shot. Hel

(17:21)  
I hate you. I hate you so much that once I get home, I will pull a taylor swift on your ass.

(17:50)  
 _Heard you went golfing today? Had any fun?_

(17:58)  
You are the devil. They devil, I tell you!

(18:12)  
 _Got to live up to the name, don’t I? Also is there a way to block people from contacting me on this phone? There’s this one idiot…_

(18:24)  
Wow. You’re just a class A douchebag, aren’t you?

(18:41)  
 _Of course._

(18:43)  
Buttscratcher.

(19:05)  
 _Nice. Real mature._

(19:08)  
Yeah, yeah, up yours too.

-

_3 rd December 2011, Saturday_

(23:48)  
 _Pack meeting tomorrow. The usual place. 7pm. Don’t be late._

(23:56)  
Dude. No.

(00:00)  
 _What._

(00:07)  
Yeah… No.

-

(00:45)  
Laws broken: Trespassing. Breaking and entering. Unnecessary (and very much unneeded, thank you very much) violence to a minor. Getting spit on said minor’s face (this should be goddamn law). Also, may I remind you that my dad is *the* sheriff. Yeah, he’d totally use his gun for his defenceless son okay. I’m warning you.

(00:52)  
 _He was snoring and sleep talking about pizza. Yeah. Considered me wary of your threat._

(00:56)  
…

(01:14)  
I am going to pick up kung fu or karate or whatever Jackie Chan does with those sweet moves this upcoming summer and I’m gonna kick your face so far in, it’d be like a second tattoo for you. By me. On your stupid face.

(01:23)  
 _Wow, stiles._

(01:35)  
Shut up. It’s after midnight and I just got manhandled by a total creep not long ago. I’m allowed poorly executed comebacks, okay!

(01:36)  
And stop texting me! Fuck, can’t a guy get some sleep around here?

(01:48)  
 _I really hope you choke on your own drool._

(01:53)  
Aw, look at you. All caring and stuff. Guess you don’t need that intervention we’ve been planning after all.

(01:58)  
 _What._

(02:00)  
Shh. It’s sleepy stiles time. Go away.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's plot somewhere, deep in their banter, yeah, it's uh, a really deep-ish somewhere. I swear.
> 
> Also, warning for bad manips. They are really bad. Like, mitt romney bad. Another side warning is that I don't beta my shit, so any mistakes, I'm /really/ sorry.

_4 th December 2011, Sunday_

(08:18)  
Hey asscrack, wake the fuck up.

(08:26)  
 _Shut up. Not now, stiles. Too early._

(08:39)  
Oh, hidey ho, no fucking way. You don’t get to do that, nope. Not after that stunt you pulled last night, which oh, by the way? Still not going to the pack meeting. Yeah, you better prepare a tow truck and some handcuffs to drag me there before I consensually agree.

(08:40)  
Also, no, it doesn’t mean you get my permission to rip me to shreds and bring me there in little bloodied parts. Don’t you get any funny ideas.

(08:44)  
 _There goes all my plans._

(08:47)  
Ha. *Charming*.

(08:50)  
Anyway, your manly ego and dear beauty rest needs to take one fucking huge step out of stiles-ville and join the level of utter shit fest that is my dad. Yeah, see now, a five hours sleep rested stiles (on a *weekend*) does not make a good, happy stiles.

(08:53)  
Yeah, that stiles has a PHD in Tourette’s. He scholars in the chicken fucking sister school of Harvard University. So, yeah, don’t mess with this guy.

(08:57)  
 _Get to the point, Stiles._

(09:01)  
I will get to the point as slow or fast as I damn want to. You are not the boss of me! You know who’s the boss of me?

(09:04)  
 _…Jesus?_

(09:08)  
Wow.

(09:10)  
I am going to tear out your hair with my fingers all pruned up from wolfsbane juice, I fucking swear to god. I will.

 (09:15)  
 _I think it’s time we talk about signing you up for anger management classes._

(09:17)  


(09:32)  
 _Erica, Boyd and Isaac all saw that, and they’re currently piled on each other, laughing._

(09:34)  
 _If it is any consolation, I did too. Laughed. Really hard._

(09:48)  
The next time you get shot by a wolfsbane bullet and you have the nerve to diva haul ass in front of my jeep again, I’m just going to run you down. Yeah, cold ass hit and run, just like how they did back in the 80’s.

(09:59)  
 _Of course, Stiles. You’re just an aggravated little monkey, aren’t you, little thing? Gonna huff and puff and blow this house down too? Adorable. Just, adorable. -E_

(10:03)  
I hate all of you. I’m retracting our friendship/pack contract as of now.

-

(13:47)  
 _Don’t forget about the meeting. 7pm._

(14:39)  
Oh, bite me.

(14:39)  
Oh wait, forgot to sign it off with my signature. _|_

(15:02)  
 _Just because you use little text emoticons doesn’t mean it gets any less funnier, Stiles. – Boyd Da Man_

(15:19)  
S.M.D

(15:23)  
 _Maybe Der_

(15:34)  
 _Stiles. Just… Just come later, okay?_

(15:55)  
 _Please?_

(16:24)  
Fine. But only because you begged like a little pretty prisoned bitch.

-

(22:43)  
Okay. I’ll admit that was nice. Err. Thanks? Even though you were a total jerk the last few days (when are you not, let’s be real?) You were less jerkier? Jerky? Jerk-the-stiles-a-tron.

(22:45)  
That came out wrong! But you get what I mean. You weren’t a total ass.

(22:46)  
Smelt like one, though.

(22:54)  
 _Why can’t you just say thank you like any normal person?_

(23:01)  
Thank you.

(23:03)  
That was the *hardest* thing I’ve ever done in my entire life.

(23:05)  
That’s what she said. Or he. You just never know, man.

(23:12)  
 _Stiles._

(23:34)  
Yeah, yeah. Making myself scarce now.

-

9th December 2011, Friday

(07:13)  
Are Fridays now officially relabelled pick-on-stiles-day? Because man, I did not sign up for that shit. I’ve been nothing but a good samaritan for mother nature and yaddy hoos my entire life!

(07:15)  
I’ve even gone to great lengths where no man goes of reading every single term and agreement statement before I click accept. I have ADHD, that’s like squeezing toothpaste out when there’s nothing left to squeeze.

(07:18)  
I’m squeezed dry! No, uh, pun intended.

(07:34)  
 _It’s seven in the morning. You better have something really life threatening or I’m going to find you and eat you for breakfast._

(07:41)  
Exactly what I’m talking about.

(07:43)  
Also, dude, cannibalism. In society, it’s frowned upon. Mega, duper, supercalifragilisticexpialidociously frowned upon. Not cool.

(07:50)  
 _Fuckinhg_

(07:52)  
Okay okay! Getting to the point.

(07:53)  


(08:01)  
 _You woke me up because of… that?_

(08:09)  
Either my dad thinks I’m in a cult (no, seriously, like the anti-christ, I pledge my honour to the devil and have sacrificed virgins that type of shit) or he’s seen that English pop quiz that old lady Jenkins handed out last week because instead of a nice bowl of fruit loops, he gives me… that.

(08:14)  
 _What the hell is that? I’m starting to really question your photo taking skills._

(08:20)  
Wow, I *totally* didn’t know I needed to be an A star student in phone photography which will still come out disgustingly horrible and grainy and not to mention overly pixelated because it has no focus function or whatsoever.

(08:21)  
Err, it’s crossword puzzles stacked and bundled. Because he thinks that I need to be in touch with my inner zen because ‘all your damn shooter games you spend your weekly allowance on has made you twitchy and jesus christ, stiles, stop chewing your lip off. I’m not punishing you’.

(08:23)  
 _Get an iPhone, then._

(08:30)  
 _Also crosswords are nice._

(08:43)  
God, old people are lame. You’re lame, Derek. Lame, as in you’re balancing on a very thin beam where you’ll fall and break a hip because of your old folksy lame…ness.

(08:45)  
I can almost see the wrinkles through my phone.

(09:02)  
 _You’re right. I’m just a dying old man who needs to get back to sleep. Bye, stiles._

 (09:04)  
Dude! I was just joking! You can’t ditch me when I’m left *this* vulnerable!

(09:06)  
It goes against the friends code, man!

(09:15)  
C’mon, dude, we’re back to that again?

(09:51)  
Man, your diva fits are worse than Lydia’s and Allison’s. Combined. It’s just a whole other level, like bordering on the range of tyra banks diva.

(10:32)  
Remember to get the jumbo pack of tampons for your next period.

(12:13)  
I just saw Scott picked his nose behind his locker. Dude!!!

(12:14)  
Oh gross, he wiped it on his jeans.

(12:32)  
I may need to burn my current set of clothes asap. Or maybe my entire wardrobe.

(15:03)  
Stop ignoring my texts, Derek. You know you want to get up on this mighty salsa fiesta.

(19:23)  
Really, Derek, *really*? Sudoku?

(20:11)  
 _They’re way better than crosswords._

(20:14)  
 _Don’t worry. I got the lousiest edition, so it’s really easy._

(20:48)  
Yeah… still hate you.

(20:54)  
 _I see we’ve reached a mutual understanding._

(20:58)  
_|_

(21:13)  
 _It’s still funny. How is it still funny? Don’t get mad at Alpha-boob, he just loses his mad reflexes whenever he’s texting you. –E_

(21:23)  
Oh, before I forget, Erica. Scott’s looking for you. He says he has something of yours in his jeans. The dark grey ones he was wearing today. Left pocket!

(22:43)  
 _I’m gonna skin you alive, Stilinski. –E_

(22:48)  
So, uh, it’s nice knowing you, Derek. Now I’m just going to bury myself. In a really, really deep hole. That will *most* definitely not be in the local cemetery. Psh, no of course not. That would be dumb. Okay, see you. If I get to see the light of tomorrow, you know, what with all the dirt and sand and suffocating on it because I’ll be buried. Not at the local cemetery. Yeah.

-

10th December 2011, Saturday

(10:32)  
Oh thank god, I’m alive.

(10:34)  
Also, there’s a joke pun intended someone in here because I hid in my closet the entire night. So, I technically just ‘came out’ of the closet. There’s a joke, and if you were a fun guy, not the plots-death-everyday-because-my-eyebrows-ordered-me-to, you would point that out. But you’re not, so I’m doing it for you.

(10:35)  
I just came out of the closet.

(10:41)  
Laughing to tears here. There is actual pain blossoming out from where my spleen is supposed to be.

(11:01)  
 _No, seriously, that question I asked on how I could block someone on this phone? Could you get back to me on that? It’s urgent._


	3. Chapter 3

14th December 2011, Wednesday

(11:51)  
Dude.

(11: 55)  
Dude. Hey man.

(12:03)  
I could do this all day, well, not really. I actually really need your help.

(12:08)  
Fine. I’ll do it. I’ll say it. I’ll be a man. Just like how russell peters has ignited me with the wisdom: “Be a man, do the right thing!”

(12:11)  
I need your help. *Please*?

(12:23)  
 _What is it, Stiles._

(12:31)  
I can’t believe it worked! Fuck yes, fist bumping God as we text.

(12:37)  
 _You may have all day but I don’t. So, name your problem and what’s in it for me?_

(12:42)  
That sounds a lot like what would go down at a shady swap outs at the outdoor gym during recess with the goth kids and the druggies.

(12:46)  
Were you a goth in high school? You can tell me, I’ll keep your secrets.

(12:54)  
 _The point, dipshit._

(13:01)  
Alright, fine, you’re no fun. So, there’s this…uh, thing. Let’s call it a gym thing, yeah. So, this gym thing includes a really long ass rope that hangs from the ceiling, the bane of all non-athletic high school kids, let’s be real, which A.K.A your very own Stiles Stilinski.

(13:23)  
 _And…?_

(13:28)  
Could you do me a huge favour and call the school up informing that *I* have some family matters to attend to so I can’t make it for the after school curricular? Which is the gym thing, if you’re not keeping up with me?

(13:29)  
Please? Pretty please. I’ll even put whip cream on top of it, with chocolate dipped cherries!

(13:35)  
 _So, what’s in it for me? You reap the benefits, and I get nothing out of it. No deal._

(13:38)  
Dude! I wasn’t finished.

(13:41)  
Also anything, I’ll owe you mega time. I’ll even voluntarily go to all the dumb meetings you enforce! No dragging or blood shedding needed!

(13:49)  
 _You’re not really selling it, so… I’ll pass._

(13:53)  
C’mon man! I’ll give you my liver! A kidney! Both kidneys! Wait, humans have two, right?

(13:55)  
A heart! The one and only that beats in my fragile human body! That’s love, man, that’s some deep love.

(14:01)  
Derek, dude, please. I’m begging here, on my knees, literally. Clutching on my phone while I await your decision. We’ll talk about whatever you want but Coach wants us to assemble by 2:30, please man.

(14:04)  
I’ll give you blood! Sperm! My *soul*! I’m as innocent as they come, you can never find another as pure as mine, like, I’m virgin everything. Even the butt. Especially the butt!

-

(14:22)  
Thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!!!

(14:47)  
You just saved my life because I honestly would have dropped from that rope and died.

(14:52)  
I would have died a sixteen year old virgin who hasn’t even whacked off for the day. My ass thanks you, I mean, not a masturbation way. Like the, um, dropping off rope and landing on my ass way?

(14:54)  
Foot in my mouth, sorry.

(15:09)  
Anyway, I’m changing my religion to being a Haler. Fuck everything else. You are God.

(15:14)  
 _You just can’t thank someone like a normal person, can you?_

(15:17)  
Nopeeee! I’m the worst :)

(15:31)  
 _You home yet?_

(15:49)  
In a bit. Texting and driving because I’m cool (no, I’m not, don’t do it). I got meself some fast food to celebrate my baptism in entering a new religion. It’s a thing.

(15:53)  
You could totally join…uh, if you want? Bought enough for two.

(15:56)  
 _Okay._

(16:01)  
Okay yes? Or okay shut the fuck up Stiles?

(16:03)  
 _Okay yes. See you in fifteen._

(16:14)  
Awesome. See you in a bit. Halers unite!

-

(21:43)  
Thanks for bailing me out of gym today. I still haven’t forgotten that I owe you.

(22:12)  
 _You did it like a normal person, I’m shocked._

(22:16)  
Alas, all that diet coke has fuelled out. Also, uh, thanks for the company today. You’re actually a much better gamer on console than Scott, don’t tell him that. He would never let me live with that admission, but… you are.

(22:21)  
Mad reflexes and all that skills. We should totally team up for online tourneys man!

(22:28)  
 _Just because I’m not sixteen anymore doesn’t mean I’ve never gamed before in my life, Stiles._

(22:31)  
Seriously? Like, you’ve gamed before today? How old are you anyway?

(22:38)  
Yeah.

(22:42)  
Dodging, I get it. A woman’s age is their mystery, wink wink. What did you play?

(22:47)  
 _Nothing fancy like what we played today, more towards the 16 bits._

(22:52)  
Mario?! Dude if you played Mario, I’d worship you.

(22:59)  
 _…Not telling. Also, it’s getting late and it’s a school night, you should sleep._

(23:03)  
Derek Hale cares! Surprised gasps can be heard throughout the world!

(23:12)  
 _Goodnight Stiles._

(23:15)  
You totally played Pokémon, didn’t you? Don’t deny it, everyone did!

(23:18)  
 _I said goodnight._

(23:22)  
Fine hussy pants. Goodnight.

(02:47)  
No seriously, tell me what did you play when you were younger? I can’t fall asleep without knowing!

(02:50)  
PleasE? I’ll owe you times two, like duper mega owe you.

(03:11)  
 _You were right. Now, shut up._

(03:15)  
YES, I KNEW IT!

(03:17)  
You chose Charmander, didn’t you?

(03:19)  
C’mon, just one more. Don’t tease, Derek.

(03:21)  
D e r e k

(03:24)  
 _Fucker. Bulbasaur, okay?_

(03:27)  
Because it has red eyes??? You know, because like alphas have red eyes so you chose that?

(03:31)  
Don’t leave me hanging dry!

(03:35)  
Just one more answer and I’ll leave you alone for the rest of the night!

(03:42)  
 _Because it looked like a frog, okay? And I had a frog named Tod when I was younger. It just seemed cool, okay? Now leave me alone._

(03:58)  
Dude, my balls just grew a vagina because of how cute that is.

(04:02)  
Okay, making myself scarce. Goodnight!

(04:05)  
 _Goodnight._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is no plot, how am I not surprised. Anyway, figured I haven't updated in a while so I'll just leave this little snippet of a sad excuse here. I guess I just needed a little break from a story I'm writing currently that's actually draining a lot of my energy with it's seriousness /wow/, so, yeah. I'm sorry.


End file.
